DC

DC

Saturday, June 2, 2012

The Johan and Triple P versus the Roach

First off, congrats to Johan! As you may know, PPP has had the misfortune of growing up a Mets / Jets fan from the mean streets of Long Island (yes, unfortunate on several levels .... I am aware....). It's always been amazing given the great pitchers that have thrown for Mets over the years (Seaver, Ryan, Gooden, Cone, to name a few) that there has never been a no hitter. And, of course, so many ex-Mets have gone on to throw no hitters just to rub salt in the wound. And let's not even talk about Phil Humber.... Anyway, this morning, I can push the bitterness aside... Finally. It took half a century and 134 pitches, but last night, the Mets finally made history. Thank you, Johan! In other news, last night, shortly after the 134th pitch was thrown, The Poker Barrister found himself in an epic battle . . . With a giant roach. It's been over a decade since I moved from downtown DC where roaches (and rats) were abundant, to the plushness that is Bethesda, Maryland. I had forgotten what it was like to flip on the lights and see a roach scurry across the counter... Or wall... Or floor. So, last night, when the bathroom light lit up to reveal the biggest roach I've ever seen (they apparently grow them big in the south . . .), I was a bit off my game. But, there it was. On the counter. Indignant. Fearless. An intruder. At the Westin, no less. I needed something to smash him with. But nothing suitable was within reach. And, I Knew I could not risk turning my back on him to grab a shoe or something else appropriate from the other room. I thought. Knowing I was not quicker than the roach; nor perhaps as fearless as the roach; I believed I had a good shot at outsmarting the roach. I picked up the bathroom glass. I would capture the roach underneath the glass and, once trapped, retreat for a weapon to finish the job.... As I feared, the Roach was indeed quick. And my first several attempts to glass-house him were thwarted. Before I knew what had happened, the Roach (now clearly in full defensive mode) had retreated to the underside of the counter. Fuck. I'd lost visual. Advantage Roach. I stepped back and rethought my attack. Surrender was not an option. Indeed, if not victorious in this fight, I may leave Florida early. No way I'm sleeping a wink knowing this beast is loose in my room. I plug in the blow dryer and try to blow dry him out from hiding. No luck. Heat has no impact. Damn southern roach. I need a visual. I take the portable mirror off the counter and place it on the floor. A few adjustments later and I spy the villain. I need to someone knock him off the underside of the counter and onto the floor (without him accidentally hitting me on the way down. That would be gross...). Then I need to trap him. I may have one shot at this. I need to make it count. I close the bathroom door and towel up the crack. No escape. Only one of us leaves the room. I grab the glass and cautiously approach, mirror as my guide. Within striking distance, and using the edge of the glass, I flick him off the counter. He hits the floor and scrambles. But Pete Peters is up for the task. With one fluid motion, the glass crashes down on top of Roach. He is trapped. I too fall to the floor - relieved; exhausted. I look at my prisoner. He knows he's completely fucked. And I know there's more work to be done. I return with a My weapon of choice - A Johnston and Murphy size 8.5 (don't judge me!). The trick will be to lift the glass, and rain down the death blow with the level heal of the shoe. Not necessarily an easy task. With my left hand I lift the glass, and with my right, almost simultaneously, a drop a crushing blow. Guts spread out on the floor. I hear a tiny scream (that could have been me . . .). And just like that, it's over...

4 comments:

  1. Blow-drying the roach - AWESOME! :)

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  2. You give Strong Islanders a bad name!!

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  3. Like T Collins said to Johan - you are my hero.

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  4. This was funny! I was, however, expecting a poker story about outlasting a roach. : o )

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