Thursday, December 20, 2012

Someone Has Got to Go!

The old J -E -T -S . . . JETS, JETS, JETS chant make me want to punch someone in the face.  Just shut the fuck up.  This season has been an abomination.  Utterly and completely.  No one has any reason to be chanting anything.  And, someone has got to be fired.  And that someone's last name begins with a "T" and ends with an "M".  And, also a big "Fuck You" to Woody Johnson.  Perhaps Woody deserves the most blame, but you can't fire the man with the checkbook.
It seems like just yesterday I was a recent D.C. transplant.  I moved to D.C. to attend school with little more than a student loan, an old beat up Chrysler and a spot on the Jets' Season Ticket Wait List.  Of course, this was more than a decade ago.  The Jets still couldn't win back then.  But there was a 10-year wait to purchase season tickets.  In fact, the demand was so high the Jets actually CHARGED YOU A FEE simply to maintain your spot on the list.  And I, like so many others, actually paid the fee . . . annually.
Then, four seasons ago, everything changed.  It was the last season of the old "Giants Stadium."  Perhaps it was part the economy.  Perhaps it was partially due to the expanded size of the proposed New Meadowlands Stadium.  But, whatever the cause, suddenly, overnight, there was no more wait list.  We immediately became "season ticket holders."  The Jets, for their part, continued to be mediocre.
The new stadium ("Metlife Stadium") opened in 2010.  We bought four seats, second level, corner of the end zone, four rows back, on the aisle.  For the privilege of committing to spend several thousand dollars a year on tickets (year, after year, after year), the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS made us pay thousands more (like, a number with four-zeros) for "seat licenses."  We could finance the licenses if we wanted . . . with interest, of course.  Pass.  We paid up and tried to forget.  In return, we received a contract which affords us the honor to sit in our seats for every Jets home game.  The contract requires . . . obligates . . . mandates . . . that for as long as we hold those licenses, we MUST spend thousands each season on Jets tickets.  The licenses also require us to spend hundreds of dollars on useless preseason tickets, but provide us only a right-of-first refusal should the Jets ever . . . ever . . . play a home playoff game, tickets for which would cost even more money.  The contract also purports to make us responsible for the condition of said seats.  In other words, if I break my seatback in a fit of rage, I'm liable to pay for a replacement (yeah, just try and get that money from me).  Also, as one final perk, the contract grants me a right-of-first refusal to purchase tickets for other events held at Metlife Stadium -- concerts and sporting events.  Numerous times a year I get an email providing me with a "pre-sale passcode" for an event.  Twice, I've tried to purchase pre-sale tickets -- once for U2 and once for Bon Jovi.  Both times, I got a message that my pre-sale code was invalid.  J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS.

Shortly after we paid our license fees, ownership, realizing no one was buying season tickets, reduced the price on most PSL's.  But we, having already paid, got no partial refund.  J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!
Ten years ago, you could not buy Jets tickets.  Since 2010, I'm not sure they've sold out more than a single game.  The upper deck is often half-full, and the lower level premium seats (the "license fees" for which were $50,000 a seat) are typically empty.  You could pick up your phone right now and order season tickets for 2013.  I've tried to sell tickets for games I can't attend, and the take has been marginally worth the EBAY fees.  My "seat licenses," which can be sold on the open market for whatever price said market will bear, are essentially worthless.  I attended only three games this season and, at those three games, was privy to some of the worst football ever played.  At the most recent home game, myself and those around me occupied our time on our cellphones trying to determine the record for most INT's from a QB in a single game, because Sanchez was well on his way to breaking whatever that record was.  J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!!

There will be no home playoff game for us Jets fans next month.  However, in March, we'll receive a bill for several thousand dollars to secure our attendance at the 2013 version of the "Shitfest in the Swamp."  I'll grimace and write the check.  I have no other choice.  So, there's that to look forward to.  J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!!!!!!!!

Don't get me wrong -- I can stand losing.  Hell, I've been a Jets and Mets fan all my life.  I've got a world series in '86, and then  . . . . zip. zilch.  nada.  I know what I signed up for.  But this season has been particularly trying.  Hell, this season actually the impossible possible -- it made me feel bad for Tim Tebow. 

Is Mark Sanchez a legitimate NFL quarterback?  Perhaps.  Or, at least he may have been.  Three years back, when the Jets defense gave up 17 or so a game, and the offensive line could do its job, and LT was LT, and Shawn Greene was a decent back up, Sanchez could run the offense and control a game well enough to win.  2009 March Sanchez was 2011 Alex Smith (with better hair).  OK; maybe that's a bit overstated.  But you get the point.  Two consecutive AFC championships are testament to this fact (although, neither year did I really consider the Jets to be a real Suberbowl contender).  But Sanchez clearly regressed in 2011.  And in the off-season, the Jets explored their options with Payton Manning.  And then someone felt bad for Sanchez and, to make amends and to protect his fragile, pro-athlete, millionaire ego, signed him to a nice fat extension.  And then someone signed Tim Tebow -- a move that, in retrospect, was a pure, unadulterated marketing move designed to sell those outstanding seat licenses.  And then came along 2012.  And, maybe Sanchez's ego was still hurt despite his big fat extension.  Or, maybe he felt no pressure or motivation to excell in the absence of any legitimate threat to his job.  Who knows.  But it was clear that whatever talent Sanchez intially brought to the field had vanished along with any semblance of confidence he may have had.  And, it also became clear that Rex Ryan's perspective of Tim Tebow was the same as mine (and, pretty much the same as anyone else who was neither born-again nor a Denver resident) -- Tebow cannot play QB.  And, it became clear that Tony Sparano was not the "master of the wildcat" as we were all lead to believe.  Rather, Sparano was the genius behind running Tebow straight ahead into the line . . . for 2.5 yards... again . . . and again . . . and again.  Our preseason scoreless draught was not an aberration; rather, it was foreshadow. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!!!

Sanchez dated actresses and got paid millions.  Tebow dated actresses and got paid millions.  Rex got his stomach stapled, lost 100 pounds, but remained utterly delusional: "We're still a playoff team . . ."  And, every Sunday we got to see more turnovers than touchdowns -- some of the worst offensive football anyone has ever witnessed.

Was it all Mark's fault?  Shit no.  When you can't run the ball, and your o-line can't pass-protect, and Plaxico Burress is gone, and Santonio Holmes is out for the year, and Dustin Keller is injured, and your main target is rookie Stephen Hill and even he's battling a sore hamstring most of the year, and . . . well, there wasn't much left for Sanchez to work with.  But, as Greg McElroy seemed to be instinctively aware during his brilliant-touchdown-leading-first-drive as Jets QB (yes, there's a hint of sarcasm hidden in there), that's not an excuse to lose your fucken mind and toss the ball around the field haphazardly like a drunken fratboy. 

So now, it's December 2012.  No more playoff talk.  Rex's delusion has finally been thwarted.  Both Sanchez and Tebow will be sitting on the bench next week in favor of Greg McElroy, who himself has little business starting an NFL game behind center.  Tebow wants to be traded.  Apparently, he still believes he's an NFL QB . . . blinded to the fact that the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS completely crushed whatever hype / value previously surrounded him.  And Sanchez, for his part, has less confidence than a three-hundred pound kid with raging Tourretes at a junior-high dance.  And, thanks to that fat extension, the Jets can hardly afford NOT to start him again next season (they take a $17.5 million cap hit if he's released). 

So, where does all this leave me?  Depressed.  Very depressed.  And, I guess, looking forward to seeing this guy:


Call me delusional . . . but I really, truly think the Mets can maybe, possibly, play .500 ball next year.  And, yes, thanks to the Marlins, I really, really, really think the Mets have a real shot at 4th place in the NL East this year. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sit back and wait and see if that sushi I just ate for lunch gives me food poisening.  Happy holidays, and FUCK YOU Mike Tannenbaum!!!  


  1. Sadly, when I am depressed about da Bears, I just watch a Jets game and see that things could always be worse. The last three minutes of the last Jets game was enough to make even a Bears fan feel awfully sorry for those who support the Jets. We fans all deserve much better.

    I used to attend many sporting events when I was younger. In today's world, the product just usually does not match up to the price.

  2. Had to argue with that. Frankly, when it comes to Jets home games, it's really just an excuse to see friends from NY every couple of weekends during the fall/winter than anything else.

  3. Great post man. That was an enjoyable read! J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS

  4. Nicely done. Your article translates well to supporters of other bad teams.

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