Wednesday, February 10, 2016

The Nigerian Prince

Sometimes, when I'm bored at work, I'll respond to scam emails.  It's prolly a waste of time.  But I'd like to think that, every now-and-then, some jackass criminal from a third-world country actually takes the time to consider my response:

-----Original Message-----

From: Ester Williams [mailto:estywiliams@aol.com]

Sent: Tuesday, February 09, 2016 5:26 PM

Subject: charity


May the good God bless you and you family as you read this note and respond. I have been touched to donate from what I have made from this World to charity through you for the good work of humanity, rather than allow my relatives to use my hard earned funds inappropriately after my death.

Please email me, so I can tell you what you need to do and also give you more details about myself and what I intend to accomplish.


Ester Williams

Ms. Williams:

I am pleased beyond that which I can express through written word to have received your correspondence.  And I am eager to benefit  from whatever assistance you may be willing to donate. 

By way of background, and in the event you are considering multiple beneficiaries, please note that I am both saddened and humbled to advise that times have recently been tough.   Though I work two-and-three/fourths jobs six-and-one/third days a week, I lack the resources to live more than the life of a meager pauper.  My greatest efforts are barely enough to avoid vagrancy.  Indeed, if not for my utter detest of vagrants, I might just decide to abandon my efforts and succumb to a life of self-loathing.  Yet, daily, I continue to persevere.  Often, at the end of a long thirteen-and-one/half hour day, I retreat to what I call my "home" and sit, silently,  in darkness.  Even the most rudimentary entertainment is a luxury I can no longer afford.  Specifically, three-and five/fourths months prior, I sold semen to purchase a third-and-one/fifth generation Atari game console; yet I arrived home only to find my electricity cut for what the electric company referred to as "recalcitrance in payment."  Now I eat franks and beans for supper most days of the week.  Not because I like franks; or beans; but because I cannot afford more delicious tubesteaks or legumes.  At the end of the evenings, which seem to last forever, I brush my teeth with my finger and rest my head on a pillow made from imagination.  Not surprisingly, I often I find it difficult to sleep.  Despite the solitude, I hear many voices.  They joke; they ridicule; they tell old-time stories; they sexually harass; they make false promises; they complain I overcooked the franks; and the beans.  They are both my only friends and my worst enemies.  Informally invited; yet always overstaying their welcome.  Morning finally comes; but nothing changes.  And so goes my life. 

Please note that I do not seek your pity.  Please further note that I do not feel at fault for my circumstances; yet I do not feel free of blame.  I regularly ponder the basis for my predicament.  Yet, every time I arrive at a reasonable explanation, the aforementioned voices are there to debunk my logic and ridicule my conclusions.  I don’t feel hopeless; but I don't believe there is any hope for me whatsoever.  In sum, I exist not because I want to; but because the voices advise that I have to.

Ms. Williams, in closing, I raise prayer that you will be a most gracious benefactor.  And I pray further that your decision is made with the utmost haste, as I cannot promise how much longer I shall be able to endure my predicament.  I mean, if I have to eat ONE MORE GODDAMN FRANK OR BEAN, I'M GONNA LOSE MY SHIT!!!   Sorry.  I really just hate franks and beans.  Anyway, regardless of your decision, you truly are God's most beautiful angel.       

Yours very truly,

Pete P. Peters


  1. One word: heehee

    Please let us know what happens.

  2. I did this before. They ignore your email and send you their prepared response. The fact you responded gives them hope.

  3. We should all copy and paste this for our response to them.

  4. I laughed out loud several times... :) Favorite part was the voices complaining about your cooking...

  5. one get a better spam filter..!two check out the bob servant books. They are hilarious.

    1. Have a look on Amazon.. Basically this guy invented bob and then started to reply to these emails at great length and got some great results. My personal favourite is him trying to get the Nigerian guy to send across some lions for his local Chinese takeaway. Also covers mail order bride scams.

  6. My favorite pastime recently is messing with the scammers from India that call to say they're from Microsoft and my Windows computer has a virus. I try to see how long I can keep them on the phone while I pretend to be a bumbling computer illiterate.

    Them: Click Start.

    Me: Okay it says it's shutting down.

    Them: Why did you shut down the computer?

    Me: You said click start. I pressed the button I use to turn on the computer. That's how I start it.

    And so on...

    1. I give them 5 minutes and tell them I have a mac or I'm actually Steve Balmer and have all their details as they using a VOIP phone

  7. This made me feel good to start the day.

  8. P3 - love the reply! Very well crafted, sir.


  9. Years back, a guy produced a collection of recorded calls of him messing with telephone solicitors. The best one was the carpet cleaning company. "Can't you get blood out of carpeting? (Pause). There seems to be a lot of it!"

    1. That was Tom Mabe and they were hilarious. I loved the free carpet cleaning one.

      "Ohmigod...I'm so glad you guys called. Can you get A LOT of blood out of carpet? I mean a lot...and do you guys clean drapes too?"

      "Sir, do you need me to call 911 for you?"

      "No, no, no...that won't be necessary. I just have some cleaning up to do."

  10. If you like messing with these scammers, I heartily recommend checking out the website 419eater.com. Make sure you have a lot of time, because there are some hilarious stories on this site. I lurk there periodically.

  11. maybe you should spend more time to deal with this problem....

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